My life has been non-eventful as of late. Yet, I'm so stressed out. I plan on leaving to Florida sometime between now and October 22. And then to Cali if I have the money saved. But until then, I'm in Limbo. And during this time I've realized that most of the people I know are not the same people as they were when I lived here. It seems like lying is a common act, and insecurity, with a touch of cynicism, are the all encompassing personality traits among them. I love my friends and family but I really need to change my life in a big way. I'm not quite sure what that means besides getting out of this big mitten and establishing a new life within a different environment.
But I'm definitely not the same person as I was three years ago either. I'll be 25 in a month and I feel my age or older. I'm not the wide eyed kid (and most often squinty eyed) kid that I used to be. I'm smarter now and for that I'm grateful. But I'm also more sad and extremely lonely. I've been single for a long time just getting to know myself. But the more I try to learn, the more my goal alludes me. I just know I am. And I suppose that's the only philosophical truth I should concern myself with.
But I know there is a plan for me, basking in mystery behind my field of perception. It will only reveal itself when I take the proper steps. It takes two to tango and I suppose I'm just waiting for the right time to dance. And then, find somebody who wants to take my hand and dance with me. I have a lot of love in my heart. Unfortunately, with all this stress, it's hard to share with even my mother.
My face is a blank slate around most people. But more is going on in my head than ever before. Sad thoughts. Beautiful thoughts. Crazy thoughts. The only way to calm them is to delve into a book involving characters who have bigger problems than I do. But I suppose it's all part of the process in becoming a real live boy. And I know it will be a great deal of time before I can consider myself a man.
So. I'm going to Tampa Bay for the winter time to help take care of my grandfather and get a job. I'm hoping that I can save a chunk and bust it to California after the winter season which I'll be thoroughly enjoying in Florida. Michigan winters depress me to the point of stagnation. A vitamin D defficiancy of some kind. But the sun helps with the smile.
I wish I had the luxury to take time off the humdrum existence of my every day life and find some sense of inner peace. That's the whole allure of wealth I suppose. Madonna has the Koran and Tom Cruise has aliens. I have marijuana and an old acoustic guitar.
The Christian God doesn't exist in my paradigm of thought anymore. Neither does Buddha. Neither does any new age philosophy. I find aspects of God in powerful choruses or certain lines in books that don't even have a religious undertone. I suppose that if I were in love, I'd find some sense of spirituality in that. I guess what I'm trying to say is, never before have I felt so flesh and chemical. Nothing seems to apply to this mind anymore. But I'm not cynical per se. I'm just involuntarily (and rather uncomfortably) objective.
As an artist it's my job to create. So in essence, any work that I deem as "quality", is my heaven. And whoever digs what I put out, comes and goes through the gates as they please. But they act as individual St. Peters; judging my work and comparing it to other levels of divinity that touch them within. Having this perception leads me to believe that God is a fuckin sinner, buddha is a weak pacifist, and the "New Age" is a bunch of old ideas loosely thrown together as to avoid the effort of manifesting anything original.
Kudos to Ron. L. Hubbard I guess.
Jonestown was a good concept...
Carl Sagan was a Saint.
I'm just rambling off inconsequential nothings like a highly funded politician.
So my friend Julie from Cleveland is bringing my cat back to me. She was kind enough to care for Mosey during the duration of time that I was living in my apt.. My landlord is a stickler about pets. She is the love of my life thus far. Isn't she the cutest lil furburger ya ever did see?
Anyway, I'm heading back to kalamazoo friday to take care of a few things. Hopefully I can get out of my lease by the 14th so I don't have to scrounge up another month's rent for a place I'm rarely even at these days. It all depends on how early the next tenant wants to move in.
Saturday I plan on going hiking with Mark. Last time we went to Asylum Lake and drank some Fosters (Australian for Beer). We'll probably check out some different trails and end the trek with a beer of my choice (most likely new castle mmm).
I believe my friend Bethany is visiting from kzoo today. Not quite sure yet but I'll find out around 3pm. If she does come, we'll probably pack a picnic and hit the boardwalk up in Grand Haven. And after that we'll go to the Blue Note for open mic night even though I'm sincerely sick of that place as of late. The house band has basically played the same set of cover songs ever since my buddy Shane handed the gig off to them when he relocated to North Carolina. But he's actually visiting this week so I'm fairly certain he'll be up there spitting some hot originals. I may even jump up there and ride some Fair Sky Today originals. Hopefully the stars are out tonight.
I'm switching to livejournal because it's obvious that myspace is more of a pain than a benefit. I'll still use it for finding bands and promoting my own music, but all in all. . . myspace has lost its intrigue.
I've come to an interesting point in my life. I've lived in Kalamazoo for about three years doing the school thing. But I'm going to move into my mother's garage for about six months and take a year off school. The reasons for doing this are plenty but the main catalyst is the fact that she needs someone there to make her take her medication. She has a disease that is more serious than she would like to admit or believe.
So I'll be in spring lake/nunica area for about six months taking care of my mom and saving cash for my relocation out to California. I can't live through another winter in Michigan. I really can't. Nor can I bare this area's lack of culture. I've read too many books and taken too many drugs to comfortably live within the confines of this mitten.
Oh yeah. I've been single for over three years now. I'm not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing. But it's definitely a thing. I'm extremely lonely. No doubt about that.
Hey skeetown kids. I'm driving into town tomorrow through saturday or sunday.
I need to get out of this town for a few days.
I can't wait to eat. If you have leftovers, throw them in your freezer and I'll grab them before I head back to the zoo. And please... no penis this time.
I feel so conjumbled with thoughts on society this morning. I need to rant.
First of all, I find it entirely amusing that so many republicans are coming out of the closet. The very people they try to disenfranchise are actually coming forward and saying "Hey! I'm Gay!". To me, this is a major step toward a more diverse, and dare I say "liberal" consciousness in America?
Democrats took the polls this year and I'm glad for it because the pubs had their hay day and their step down from congress was long overdue. I'm not saying I'm a democrat because I'd consider myself rather apathetic as of late. I'd love to be one of those guys in DC screaming at a board of dinosaurs for a radical change in government.. But as I mentioned, my apathy is potent. That..s not to say that I..m cynical. I have faith for the world and the human souls on it. But I have no faith in this political system because there is limited checks and balances, an unacceptable follow-through of separation of church and state, and a bunch of big fish funding campaigns for their radical zealotry who are just as sinister as those who try to kill innocent civilians in the name of Jihad.
Alas, I didn't vote. If the ballad boxes were like they were after colonialism swept India (using thumbprints instead of atm's)...then I may consider it. It..s just not a reliable enough system. Moreover, people vote for propositions and candidates that fall onto their own skewed political spectrum with no real insight as to what it is they are voting on. And in my opinion, that is worse than not voting at all.
The people..s voice is not heard in voting booths. They are heard on the streets, through art, and making the choice to NOT participate in this corrupt government that coyly hides behind a façade of civility. I'd love to live in the fantasy land where international occupation is genuinely based on the sustainability and broadening of the movement we know as ..diplomatic freedom... But to look at it with the limited left brain function that I work my ass off to sustain because of the abstract reality I live in, the philosophy that our government is trying to set in motion, on an international level, is ..Capitalism.... Why?
Well let..s start off with our national debt. We are 8 trillion dollars in the hole. If you can't quite comprehend this figure, it means that everything that we know to be an economic symbol of prosperity in America. . . is indubitably borrowed. The Visa is maxed out. Pretty soon they..ll be nobody to sign the tickets. Forget the illusion of highs and lows in the stock market.. We are in the dirty hole dug six feet down for our fading economy. It..s had a good run! Too bad it has to be buried alive by the global undertaker who..s job is to dig final resting places for systems that are based off power and greed.
Secondly, capitalism is of course an ingredient for the conceptual unification of culture. It is a system that builds a measurable and concrete foundation of progress. It..s a common ground that everyone who lives in a free state can stand on. And it works to a certain degree. Japan, the same country that was once viewed with so much esotericism, and remembered as the strip of land that two American killer bombs landed and burned shadows of women and children into the ground, is more economically westernized than America! Not to mention the Starbucks and McDonald..s chains built in ancient and so called ..sacred.. regions of Mesopotamia! This unification that so conveniently acts as a catalyst for occupation, is contrary to the support of healthy and unique cultures.
Don..t get me wrong, I love the melting pot that is America. This is the place for that. But I have a hard time thinking past the fact that the goulash we have created takes its roots from the slave trade, migrant railroad workers from Asia and Ireland, Native American assimilation, overlap of culture between the self proclaimed U.S. territory and Mexico..s reach as a people (remember the Alamo!), and foreign entrepreneurs who paved their way into the economical theatre of capitalist America..
Maybe the manifest destiny that America pursues is a legitimate force in the minds of the citizens who reside in this great land. But it is NOT a legitimate endeavor in the eyes of those oh so ..primitive.. societies who exist outside the norms of ..civilized.. culture. We are now faced with terrorism on a level that supersedes all past possibilities of global strife. Generations before us have held the belief that the end is near. But never before has the threat been so eminent. Radicals don..t fear death!. Who would with dogma induced beliefs of such a rewarding heaven? .. Beautiful young virgins for the taking and everlasting bliss? Sign me up! That is, if I bought any of the bullshit from a radical religious sect such as Islam......
...or the proverbial Fundamentalist Christian world view.....
Quite frankly, I find it rather disturbing how we think that we are still in control of the international domain.. The only reason that the U.S.of A is still a big player resides in the fact that that we have invested more tax dollars into the military for weapons technology than education, welfare, healthcare, and the war on drugs combined. Bottom line, we have bigger and more guns than anybody else. But these military achievements mean little on the grand scheme of international relations.
I mean, eight countries have documented nuclear weapons. It's a safe bet to say that there are more who have this technology than just this handful of countries with the testicular fortitude to admit to the public that they possess them.. But none in Iraq! Whaddya know! Such a sad scenario. So many people are dying over there. Our troops have been in the middle east for over 3 years with no immediate plan to skedaddle. We are on a, how do the politics coin it.....slippery slope... This country is divided internally, and fervently disrespected externally.
I'm no conspiracy theorist but there is more empirical evidence in quite a few conspiracy theories than there is in the filtered, drab and biased journalism that we encounter in our media today. Where do any of us really stand? We are infinitesimal specs in this chaotic rat race for social status and surrounded by a swarm of views that offer no real solution to the critical problems at hand. Plato..s Allegory of the Cave sums this point up best. In the allegory he alludes to the fact that people can live inside a cave, see the shadows on the walls of those entities who exist outside of the cave, but have no clue as to what those shadows are - or what they represent because of our harmful choice to dwell in the said cave and remain uninformed. Remain ultimately ignorant! We can speculate what the shadows on the walls are (for example the shallow understanding of the political mainstream), but we really don..t know what the true nature of the dancing shadows on the walls look like. We don..t know where it came from. I don..t even think we can separate the shadows of the outsiders, from our own personal shadows within!
And to tell you the truth, I don..t care. I..m not a political science major. I play music and write fiction. What responsibility do I have? Where does my morality lie? What..s the best source of reliable information that isn..t slanted for any one political agenda? Do I not dwell in a social construct that has conditioned me to take heed in the biblical interpretation of what true ethics consist of? How can I be objective as a citizen of a system that labels rants like this one as unpatriotic and dangerously supportive of the terrorist frame of mind? How can I trust a government that feeds the populace chunks of inspiration in regard to hope and liberty, while snatching supposed God given freedoms from right underneath our noses!
I loathe feeling shame and embarrassment toward my homeland. Capitalism is a fine idea to respectfully suggest and debate! But sadly, all I see is corruption. All I experience is poverty that is the result of deplorable foreign policy and blatant disregard for the lower economical, social, and cultural classes.
To me, apathy isn..t a bad thing because it is objective on a realistic plane of philosophical and political analysis. Very soon our world is going to change drastically. The remarkable thing about it is, people will be shocked, even though the transition, whatever it may be, breathes down our necks every time we pass a billboard, sign online, write research papers that highlight controversial issues, go to church, buy cheeseburgers, and yes, vote for the next leaders of America. In essence, the every day things we do in this country work as gears for a machine that is low on oil and quickly overheating. It..s time to take this hunk of junk to the scrap yard and build something more reliable... while using the same hardware.
However, the circuitry must be redesigned for a more efficient reaction toward multiculturalism, and built with a more conductive material to maximize the power of the electrical jolts of unique and passionate initiatives. Initiatives belonging to the people of America and the world abroad! Initiatives by people who are consciously in control of the unique mechanism that will be built from the age old science of progress through human empathy and compassion. But who am I? I..m a nine digit number in a database. I..m a small time criminal. Jaded. Paranoid schizophrenic bipolar with mild signs of OCD who learned his abc..s by eating Alphabet cereal and was taught about sex by having lots of sex. Learning about drugs by doing lots of drugs. Learning about respect by not receiving any respect. I'm a product of consumerism and product fetishism. I'm a modern day American....
anxiously awaiting the new realization.
So last night I sat and watched episodes 79-89 of "Real Time With Bill Maher". That guy is so funny. I'm so glad he got his own show on HBO because his style was cramped on "politically incorrect" anyway. As far as political satire goes, his show takes the cake.
I feel pretty confused right now about a lot of things. I'm really broke which doesn't help the matter much. Selling my car next weekend. I don't really need one here. It was more so I could visit Muskegon or anywhere else I wanted to go. I'm not financially stable enough to have a car for the purposes of novelty and entertainment. So back to the bus I go.
My hair is getting long.
Snickers almond candy bars are de-lish.
The years fly by quicker all the time.
Oh to be a single celled organism!
Advertisements are fucking everywhere.
My toes are cold.
Anybody feel me on this?
..Fashion... Is it a style of clothing grasped by the masses for a month only to be drastically changed in the next? It is irrational to think that definition of the word can be constricted to such an idea. Is it jewelry, glasses, purses, and cars that get cycled through the lives of those with expendable incomes? Again, that is not fashion. But if that word were used to represent the possession of inanimate objects, it is indubitably fashionable to have an income in general.
Like many words we designate to verbalizing ideas, “fashion” has lost its overall connotation. Its been morphed by the social constructs of a society that revolves around external aspects of our identity. The term “Old Fashioned” sums it up best. When a mother says to her child "Grandpa is very old fashioned so please don’t talk about anything you think may insult him", the word implies a mental stance or a position of conviction. It is blatantly obvious that the majority the common western world no longer hyas a firm stance on anything that doesn’t involve the hype of ownership as a blind comfort or status symbol. The only things to fight and die for are ideologies such as patriotism and freedom. But aren’t these honestly just disguises for a much more tangible and conspiring endeavor? That realization requires one to leave the comfort of the government's walls and into the chaotic world that they fear.
Furthermore, without a healthy sense of inner awareness, major decisions that were once influenced by natural constructs become choices that are swayed by the capitalist foothold on the human spirit. The ..free enterprise.. builds uncanny momentum when there is a lack of introspective analysis. An individual’s self exploration is detrimental in order to conserve the lessons of will that can indeed prove stronger than the slight effort to consume, watch the nightly news, or drop a couple greenbacks in the donation plate on Sundays.
Indeed, a vast and seemingly esoteric knowledge of the human condition is a sure fire way to understand one’s personal definition of “spirit”. It’s a quest that requires one to follow their instinct and break free from the shackles of conformity. However, it is also vital to listen to the whisperings of that deeper awareness that suggests ..Unity... But again, ..unity.. is another word altered through time by the external world. It has become diluted by a modern societal view of like minds who gather as one idea against opposing standpoints. Of course there’s unity in every political subgroup or religious congregation! But the definition is boundless in gravity and scope because every infinitesimal molecule in the cosmos is part of one. It’s that understanding that will pave the way to the sky shattering science that poses an unchallenged theory of ..The Ultimate...
But alas, these are but opinions stemmed from my feral ideologies that were painfully induced by a strong sentiment of segregation. A segregation not of class, race, or gender, but one from divine individuals who harbor unlimited potential. But they unknowingly bury it underneath the novelty that they achieve by sacrificing abstract and intuitive reflection. Can something really be missing if its existence was never recognized in the first place? I say Absolutely! The implausible hopes of myself and many others are the subtle catalysts for the creation of art form. Nothing is more inspiring than art because it is the impulsive reaction, of an untamed expression, of authentic and timeless fashion.
I’m getting kind of tired of Kalamazoo. Definitely getting itchy feet and I’m not sure where I want to go next. Don’t get me wrong, this is a cool city. But it is still inside this damn mitten.
I find myself growing rather apathetic as well. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and my spirit on the outside. Now I just sort of dwell in this 24 year young shell to get away from the Hell that is society. I just want to fall in love, move into a cottage, read epic novels and drink fine wines every night by firelight. And when the bomb sirens go off in the distance, at least I’ll be where I long to be. But I can’t even get through the first step in that conceptual sequence of events. lordy lordy lordy….what a tumultuous existence I’ve created. But I know I’m not the only one.